I used to think that I had to win to get love. I had to do something for others, in order to have value in my “self”. That is bullshit. That’s living a life to meet other people’s expectations, and it’s all about the pursuit of perfection. Once I let that go, I could just be … and be fearless knowing that I will never be perfect. Now I do the things I love to do — because it’s what I love … it’s what I was born to be. I win for me, not for anyone else.
If you watch the first 1.35 sec of this video clip, that pretty much sums up my life up to this moment.
The following are some big truths (for me) that I’ve uncovered over many years of running painful trial and error. This may or may not be relevant to anyone else, it totally depends on your context.
This is a terrible thing that disempowers us and keeps us from achieving any of our potential, since we are never enough when we aim to be perfect. Ideally this concept and word should be removed from our language.
We are impermanent beings. We die and we change during our lives. The only thing that’s constant in the universe is that it’s constantly deconstructing itself and reconstructing itself. As a result, the only thing that I keep constant in me, is that I will move forwards and adapt to change, fully acknowledging that the results of whatever path I’m on, are unknown.
Doing vs being
This took me a long time to understand, because I simply didn’t have a healthy boundary around myself of “self”. I used to think that this boundary would keep others out. Little did I know that it actually just keeps me in, and without it, who I am, and who the other person is, simply blurs. This is where it becomes difficult to be aware of and voice “my” needs, since I’ve removed the structure of “me”. Definitely not a good thing, and I don’t do this anymore. By creating this boundary of self, it’s not that I’m any more selfless or selfish. It means that I’m now aware of who I am in the equation of me + other person(s). Without this self boundary, I can’t really see how I can be in any healthy relationships.
Knowing that something will end, what do I do? Enjoy it. I tend to hold on to places and people and moments and things, knowing (in my subconscious) that these will end (and so will I). And I thought that I’ve found solace or security in holding on so tightly. But all I was clinging to is my own fear. Because I can’t control any of the things I’m holding on to. This fear then leads to isolation, living defensively, not feeling and becoming numb, and ironically, in the pursuit of security, and I ended up NOT living life at all. That was just a waste — since I only have this one life to live in this moment. And every moment is precious; and no one moment is greater or lesser than another moment. Knowing that I will end (since we all die), what do I do? I make the experience of every single moment a priority and I make every single moment precious. When I cry, I cry hard. When I’m shattered, I dematerialize totally. When I fail, I fail fast. When I win, I win big. When I heal, I heal fast. And I mostly lose and make mistakes. Regardless, I enjoy the moment, and move on to the next one. Since everything is impermanent — the sad moments, the happy ones, and the confusing ones. I don’t want to have regrets. I want to keep my north star in sight at all times, so I’m not lost — even though I don’t really know where I’m going or how to get there (ever). For relationships, I now have the attitude that I’m not willing to possess anyone anymore, and if they walk towards me, I will walk towards them, and that’s the best that we can do. Since I don’t control them and they don’t control me. This is what happens when two people are in an authentic state with each other.
In 2016, I’ve already committed to this new paradigm. I’d prototyped and iterated it for the last 3 yrs (since my reset). No more Plan B’s for life or anything. Only Plan A’s — when that fails, find another Plan A. Keeps life simple — because I tend to overcomplicate things by inappropriately thinking too much.
These are my values:
Be vulnerable — Feeling means feeling pain and love. Can’t have one without the other. And it means giving up control, and embracing the unknown.
Be authentic — Sync up who I am on the inside and bring that to the outside in all situations.
Be fearless — We are impermanent, enjoy it, and be in the moment — we have nothing to lose except the full experience of this life itself. This releases me to start things without being great. Because to be great, one must first start.
Life is messy. Death is messy. Love is messy. Startups are messy. Racing is messy. Winning is messy. Losing is messy. Pain is messy. Healing is messy. Everything is imperfect. And many things are ugly. And many things are beautiful. We are all where we are on our journey, and we are the only ones who are responsible for our evolution and setting our “north stars”.
"I live in the line between speed and chaos. I use my fear and don’t hide from it. I use the power of both the dark and the light. And I win for me." - me